The Moon is a Harsh Mistress (With Apologies to the estate of Robert Heinlein)

Dear Future President Gingrich,

My name is William Brust, and I want to be a lunar miner when I grow up.  I live at home with my parents, where I’m working on my first novel.  Before I wanted to be an author, I wanted to be an astronaut.  Eventually, I decided against it for personal reasons.  Now, I hear that you might be sending people to the moon to mine for minerals. I think this is a good idea.  I think we could find lots and lots of good things on the moon.

Here are the reasons why I would be a good lunar miner:

1.  I have very good genes.  While I do not exercise or eat as healthy as Mommy wants me to, I try my best to be as healthy as I can.  I am very well-built, though, and I think that I could get in shape for space very fast, if you and NASA need me to.

2.  I love space.  Space is really cool.  Space is where the moon, stars, sun, and planets are.  I hope one day I get to see space.

3. I am very smart. I went to college for four whole years.  That’s longer than most people.  I majored in history but I did very well in science and math.  (First semester physics didn’t count, so please don’t look at my grades there)

4.  I like to learn new things.  I always seek opportunities to expand my mind (in a completely drug-free way, of course). I read a lot of comic books and genre novels, but I’ve also read the Iliad, Aeneid, Howards End, Shakespeare, and lots of other classic works of fiction.

5. I read a lot of HP Lovecraft, so in case we find any cosmic abominations hidden in the lunar crevices, I will be well-equipped to fend them off and rescue my partners on the mission.

Artist's rendering of me fighting Cthulhu on the Moon. This really happened, though.

6. I am a practicing Roman Catholic Christian, and as such, I am uniquely prepared to fight off any demons we may encounter at the center of the moon.  Protestants are terrible at dealing with demons, as Hollywood has consistently proven.

Not Pictured: Anyone praying. Ever.

In conclusion, please pick me to go into space to be a lunar miner to mine things on the lunar surface of the moon.  Thank you.

Sincerely yours,

William V. Brust

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• Newt Gingrich Reaffirms Support for Moon Mining in Presidential Debate (livescience.com)